British Columbia’s smile-addicted premier Christy Clark gave her first throne speech Monday, promising more money for special needs education and a desire to film and broadcast the court proceedings of Stanley Cup rioters. There may even be a reality show component where a select group of rioters compete for a more lenient sentence by spending a month together in a 400-square-foot Coal Harbour condo with Canuck mascot Fin and former enforcer-turned-nudist Gino Odjick.
But what really had most people’s tongues wagging after the conclusion of Clark’s drone from the throne was the announcement of a new provincial holiday slated to begin Feb. 18, 2013, coincidentally a mere three months before the next provincial election is to be held. And it’s called Family Day! What fun.
Considering the majority of K&K staffers have managed to avoid the bank account-draining, dream-killing joys of having children, we’re feeling a little left out by Clark’s ongoing “families first” obsession.
And the new Family Day only makes us feel more like a leper—albeit a leper who wasn’t awakened in the middle of the night by his or her ungrateful brood and can go on vacations or out to dinner wherever and whenever he or she feels like it. Ahhhhhhh…. that’s better.
But still, how about giving childless couples or single people their own day for a change? Why should families get all the recognition?
• DINK Week would honour those couples who have selflessly chosen to live on dual incomes with no kids and thus enrich the fabric of their community by having time to frequent coffee shops for hours at a time, buy and wear properly fitting clothing that doesn’t come from Costco or Zellers, and wander through parks and public spaces without leaving a trail of tears, tantrums and vomit. You’re welcome.
• Singled Out and About would be a daylong festival and holiday celebrating the sacrifices of those without a partner. Each year, the festival would adopt a different theme and pay tribute to a different single person archetype, such as Uncle Gary and his exotic snake collection, the smart and funny friend, and Auntie Linda who still can’t seem to get her sh*t together. Activities include: all-night DVD watching marathons, pajamas in the daytime and doing whatever the hell you want.
• Pets Not Peewees would honour those who still feel the need to raise and nurture another living creature but are comfortable enough to leave them alone in the house for a few hours without facing society’s harsh judgment.
• Similar to Car Free Day, Child Free Day would represent “the next level in our evolution toward healthy communities, authentic cultural celebrations and child-free streets.” Communities across the city would hold their own Child Free Day festivals in conjunction with one another, reclaiming the increasingly clogged and noisy streets and sidewalks from food-guzzling, gas-spewing, noise-making children. There would be adults- only street hockey games, unhealthy food carts with portable deep fryers, live bands that don’t have ukulele players and no face painting stations whatsoever. Public swearing, drinking and setting bad examples for younger generations would be encouraged, if not strictly enforced.
